10 things I will (or won't) miss about LA

My time in Los Angeles grows short.  Next week, I shall bid the City of Angels farewell after six years.

When I was younger, I remember thinking I would never live in LA.  It just sounded like a place I would hate.  As if to prove a point about assumptions, life brought me here.

Los Angeles is like an itchy sweater.  The first time you put it on, it drives you crazy. But over time, you get used to it.  Wear it enough, and it might even become one of your favorite sweaters.

1.  California.  California is the most geographically diverse, awe-inspiring state in the country.  From the snowy peaks of the Sierra Nevadas to the only-god-could-create-these Redwood trees to wine country to Death Valley to Big Sur to Santa Barbara to Del Mar, California is home to many of the America's most exquisite places.  I will miss them all.

2.  Strange encounters of the celebrity kind.   I have:

Had Robin Williams buy me a drink (before rehab).

Peed next to Keanu Reeves.

Passed Scarlett Johansson on a hike.  Woah mama!

Shot the breeze with Woody Harrelson and Joaquin Phoenix.

Talked to Bobby Brown for half an hour and didn't know who he was (I mean, have you seen the guy lately?).

My buddy and I used to have weekly get-togethers with "Gunther" and his real Friends.

These things don't happen anywhere else, and while they don't make you a better person, they make a regular day a little more interesting.

My favorite run-ins were always with actors who played really small roles in one movie, and no one I knew could figure it out.  I have a weird tick that makes me remember stuff like that, so I'd usually be the only person in the bar who knew who they were.  I won several bets this way.  One of my favorite actors, Paul Schneider, lived a few doors down from me, and I didn't know it until I saw him moving out.  Damn it.

3.  The burgers.  Without a doubt, LA is the burger capital of the world.  The Bowery. Father's Office.  In-N-Out.  The Tommy Burger. The Oinkster.  Whether you're in the mood for a $14 gourmet slab on an English muffin or want to kick it animal-style at the In-N-Out, you'll find no shortage of fantastic cows on bread.  If I was on death row, my last meal would be a Bowery Burger.  If I have one more of them, I might be dead anyway.

4.  Dodger dogs.  I spent my entire childhood a Dodger fan, even though I'd never set foot in LA. My dad was a Brooklyn Dodgers fan, and by age six, I was a Dodger blue blood.  When I arrived in LA 30 years later, I made a beeline for Dodger Stadium and have spent many a glorious night there since.  Oh, Dodger dog, with your grilled perfectness and your mustard and your onions, how I will miss you.

5.  The people.  Angelinos have a reputation for being plastic -- their skin, their boobs, their personalities.  But that's only one clique in a county of 10 million people.  Most folks here are delightful, humble and genuine.  They're diverse, creative and intelligent.  Of course, most of them are from somewhere else, but I digress.  At various times (usually when I was living like a hermit on the overnight shift), I swore I hated this town, but the people I met always turned me around on that.

6.  The weather.  My first couple of years in LA, I whined like the East Coaster that I was:

I miss the seaaaasons.

Whatever.

Just about this entire month, it's been 70-something during the day.  It's JULY!  The nights are cool no matter what month it is, there's virtually no humidity, and it rains 17 minutes a year.  I do still miss the crisp of Fall and trees that don't have fronds on them (the seaaaasons), but I'm now spoiled by the fact that my plans never get ruined because of the weather.  They get ruined because of...

7.  The traffic.  You can't just call someone up and say -- hey, wanna grab a drink?  You have to plan that shit in advance.  A week is usually good.  Maybe you can leave on a Saturday and get there in time to meet them on Sunday. Once, I was four hours late to an appointment across town because of traffic.
It's true.  And you haven't experienced driver angst until you've had to cross six lanes within a quarter mile to get to the correct freeway, and the cars in the lane you're trying to get to are crossing six lanes to get to your lane.  Who designed this city?  Dyslexic sadomasochists?

8.  The movie theaters.  They're just badass. It's Hollywood, baby.  At the Arclight, the movie starts on time every time.  A "host" introduces the film.  And everything is always perfect, or they will fix it.  Mann's Chinese and the Vista make you feel like you're in a 1930's playhouse. The theaters are enormous and adorned with the most elaborate decoration.  These aren't your run-of-the-mill shopping center theaters with a shoe store next door.

9.  My 'hood.  Choosing the right neighborhood is crucial here.  You're basically stuck there unless you want to live in your car.  While the west side has all the glitz and glamour, I prefer the eastern edge of Hollywood.  It's grittier, but we can walk to just about anything, including the largest urban park in America.  It's the neighborhood where Swingers was shot.  You're like a big bear, man.  I will miss nights at The Dresden, hanging with Marty and Elayne.

10.  The Time Zone.  After living on the East Coast and waiting 'til 1:00 pm for the first football game to start or staying up 'til 1:00 am for Monday Night Football to mercifully end (always mercifully when the Bills were playing), I was not prepared for the absolute sports nirvana of the Pacific Time Zone.  Beer at 9:30?  4:00 hockey games?  Are you kidding me?  My football buddies, we tried to establish the no-beer-before-noon rule every Sunday.  And every Sunday, we failed miserably -- much to our delight.

Alas, I am leaving you, LA.  You introduced me to my wife (thanks, but I'm taking her with me).  You made me appreciate you in ways I never thought I would.  I wouldn't want to overstay my welcome.  You can be pretty exhausting.  There were days when the air would make me throw up.  You need to work on that.  There were days when I wanted to abandon my car on the freeway.  There were days when I simply could not listen to another story about someone trying to be an actor.

But overall, I will say good things about you back East, even if no one believes me.